Once upon a time, before any of us was created, there was God. As you all know, God created us. But what is the real story?
First of all, God was a woman. Not a man. There is no “He”, only “She” and “Her”.
So God woke up one morning, put some make up on – because She knew everybody looked perfect just as She had created them, but you can look even nicer with some mascara.
“A little bit of mascara has never killed anyone.” She said.
That day, God decided to create something to keep Her company. So She created this human being and named her Eve. Eve was the nicest girl on Earth, which wasn’t very hard to be at the time, as there only was one girl on the planet.
And you know the rest of the story, God created Adam out of one of Eve’s ribs. Then one day, it all went wrong. Adam had been allured by the snake to eat an apple from the Wisdom Tree. It was delicious! So he ran over to Eve and said: “Oh my God, Eve! You have to taste this thing! It’s so delicious. I can’t even believe God has made something so tasty!”
So Eve went with Adam to the spot where the Wisdom Tree was and she looked at him with the I-can’t-beleive-you’re-doing-this-to-me-look: “Adam…” she said while rolling her eyes and taking a deep breath “You know I don’t eat apples! I’m on a diet. Christ! How many times do I have to tell you before you remember it? I bet you weren’t even listening to me when I told you I’m on this no-fruit diet, were you?”
“Erhh…” Adam turned bright red “I don’t remember you telling me that. Besides, you’re always on some crazy diet that only God knows what it’s about, and then I catch you eating bread and chocolate. So I get confused.”
“Don’t you dare! Adam, I’m going to leave before this turns into something even bigger than it already is. God, this is so frustrating!”
Eve left, Adam picked another apple and thought that discussion had made no sense. He then decided to go play football with his friends.
Meanwhile, Eve was at the local cafe with God.
“You know, I just can’t believe he did this to me!” she said with her mouth full of chocolate chip muffin with frosting and glitter on top. “Adam makes everything so harder for me and it’s so unfair that he can eat whatever he wants and stay slim and I can’t even look at an apple without putting on weight…are you going to eat the rest of your apple pie? Because I’m starving!”
“No, you go ahead. But I don’t think you put on weight by eating apples. I think you put on weight because you restraint yourself from eating good food, food that I created and then you start craving them and substitute them for bad stuff, like crisps, and bad chocolate and cakes.”
“God, why are you always on his side?” You weren’t even there when we were having our fight.
“Actually, I was. First of all, I’m everywhere and second, you both called me, so I eavesdropped. That’s what I do. That’s my job.”
“You know what, maybe it’s because I’m about to have my period. You know, I get these insane cravings.”
“You have cravings even when you’re not about to have your period.”
“Come on, I need some support here.”
“Eve, you know what? I’m so tired of hearing you day in and day out about your diets, your complaints and you don’t do anything about it. I’m going to let you in the real world. With Adam. It’s much harder out there than here in Paradise. Trust me. You’ll get to know what life is all about and stop thinking about dieting. There is so much more to life than dieting, or looking a certain way.”
So Eve and Adam went into the real world, just to see what it was like and finally understand what life was all about. Fast forward to 2018 and it hasn’t got any better.
(inspired by Joof, Hella. Båven om Gud, Copenhagen, Lindhardt og Ringhof, 2017)