“Analbivalence” (n.) An ambiguity of feelings that relates the desire of inserting a sexual object up ones’ anus and the concomitant risk assessment of said activity.”

Oh “analbivalence”. They (men) sometimes want to, and sometimes we (women) also want to and probably at first attempts we said “oh, take it off, take it off, take it off!” (and maybe we stopped trying after those). In fact, some women who experience anal sex do not repeat it because it is too painful, although xHamster presents it as a simple and easy-to-do act. The reality: the first experiences of anal sex, if one manages to tolerate the pain, tend to resemble the act of defecating. Frankly, at times, it seems that that’s indeed what is happening – an incident which only possible outcome is a sonorous “get out, get out, GET OUUUT!” Well, after beating the excruciating pain and the perception of an uncontrolled sphincter, you still have to overcome the fear of crap. Yep, we all know what we will find there. Poop. Shit. Faeces. As you wish. I would say no one really wants contact with human filth – except for coprophiles, who actually have that desire as a sexual preference (yes, a fetish with faeces), and some (bizarre) plastic artists – but when it comes to invading the excretion channel, we exercise the prerogative (at least, some of us). Why?

The reasons why men look for it seem very easy to understand, after all it looks tight and pleasant. Moreover, decades spent watching pornography have inevitably end in the delusional fantasy that women are always ready and willing to be pricked in it. While the female motivation and persistence in the act seems more complex. In spite of most women (79%) reporting their first experience of anal sex as painful, according to a Croatian study by Stulhofer and Ajduvic (2013), they also claim that the intensity and duration of pain or discomfort decrease substantially over time. While less than 1/3 of the women surveyed say they have rarely or never experienced pain / discomfort, 58% of the women who practice it describe it as very exciting and enjoyable… A-ha! So there is some purpose in the middle of all this: the mere possibility of simple pleasure or, at least, no discomfort, or pleasure through the erotization of pain. I created the following guide to minimize any possible obstacles to the act.

Warning: No one should do anything they don’t feel up to. For those without some positive fondness for this activity, all that remains is the need of a self-confident talk with their partners and the fruition of sex as they see fit. Luckily there’s so much more to explore.


Beginners’ Guide

If the idea of contact with rectal waste and subsequent contaminations terrifies you, you can always use a laxative or clean your rectum with an enema. You should use a condom since it is a good way to avoid contamination by bacteria. Never, ever, remove the penis (or whatever you used for penetration) from the inside of the anus and put it back in another hole, as it can easily end up creating an infection.

It is very important to treat the “anality” with the same courtesy provided to the virginity, but always taking advantage of the knowledge acquired with our Sexual Story. So what can we draw of most importance? There is no intercourse without consent. For men this is very easy to understand because biology gives them obvious clues, namely the tumescent bloodstream imploding from the penis that seems to confer it a bone structure. But the signs of female frenzy are only visible from the front row, although easily discernible through touch. So, ideally, anal penetration occurs at a time of great sexual arousal. What if this practice is desired but not necessarily accompanied by a galore lubrication au naturel? Silicone lubricant instead of water based, since the last tends to fade during the “coming and going”. It doesn’t fail, I promise.


Initiated Guide

“Did it go in? Then it comes out”. Wrong. The entrance through the anus can be uncomfortable or painful but the exit is a thousand times worse. It’s a Twilight Zone moment, in which we feel like we turned back in time and are using diapers again. And on top of it all, it hurts. It is possible that this practice will only become absolutely comfortable after a few attempts, if it does at all. The best way to make it tolerable is to make the insertion only as far as you can, and instead of indulging in big naughty stunts, limiting yourselves to short movements, without great amplitude and, above all, communicate! If it is only feasible for you to insert the initial portion, because it gets really uncomfortable, then that’s what you should do. Maybe next time it will be possible to insert one more centimetre. I’ve seen worse reasons for tattooing a ruler on that spot.


Advanced Guide

When the practice of anal sex occurs spontaneously and the levels of “analbivalence” are already ludicrous, I can only give you a tip: never, absolutely never, practice anal sex and eat a genuine Mexican meal, in that order, unless you want to promote a spontaneous ignition on your sphincter. Mexican or anything spicy and clandestine that you can find on the whereabouts of Martim Moniz and that your genetic inheritance is incapable of metabolizing, thus forcing a swift expulsion. A burning one.




This post was originally written in Portuguese. Click here for the original text.